5 Things School Counselors Wish Parents Knew About Student Anxiety

You don’t see it in every kid. Some bounce through the morning with barely a glance back. Others take longer to get dressed, slower to tie their shoes, quieter in the car. But ask any school counselor, and they’ll tell you anxiety isn’t rare anymore. It’s threaded into the daily life of students in a way it simply wasn’t a generation ago.

I’ve spoken to counselors who’ve spent decades in the same school. They’ll say the volume has risen. Not just in numbers, but in depth. More kids, more symptoms, more intensity. And yet, for all the open talk about mental health these days, anxiety in kids still manages to hide. Behind what looks like laziness or defiance, but often isn’t.

Here’s what school counselors wish parents better understood. Not in clinical terms, but in the textured, frustrating, often messy reality of school life. These aren’t rules or diagnoses. Just things they’ve seen again and again. Things that might make it a little easier to support your child, and maybe breathe a little easier yourself.

1. Anxiety Doesn’t Always Look Anxious

There’s this cultural image of anxiety as nervous fidgeting, hands wrung together, kids whispering, “I’m scared.” And sure, sometimes that’s what it is. But more often, school counselors see something else entirely.

They see kids who suddenly stop doing homework. Kids who fake being sick every Monday. Kids who blow up over the smallest things or freeze when asked a basic question in class. And here’s the hard part. None of it looks like anxiety. It looks like defiance or attitude.

But under the surface, there’s often fear. Of not being good enough. Of failing. Of being embarrassed. Or sometimes, of simply walking into a room full of people and having to sit still.

Anxiety in children often wears the mask of misbehavior. And it’s easy to miss. Because the last thing a scared kid wants to do is admit they’re scared.

What counselors want you to know is this: if something about your child’s behavior feels out of character, don’t just ask what they’re doing. Ask what they’re avoiding. That’s often where anxiety lives.

2. Reassurance Doesn’t Always Help and Sometimes Makes It Worse

This one’s counterintuitive. Because when your child is in distress, your instinct is to comfort them. “It’ll be fine.” “You’re overthinking.” “There’s nothing to worry about.” All said with love. All intended to soothe.

But here’s the thing: anxiety isn’t always rational, and reassurance often becomes a loop. The more you try to convince them they’re safe, the more they learn to depend on external soothing. They come to believe that calm only comes from someone else saying, “You’re okay,” not from learning to sit with discomfort themselves.

Counselors talk about “anxiety accommodation” a lot. It’s when adults unintentionally reinforce a child’s fear by helping them avoid the trigger. You let them stay home from school “just this once” because they’re overwhelmed. You talk to the teacher for them. You tiptoe around topics that set them off.

The problem is, anxiety shrinks only when a child moves toward it, not away. And that movement takes time, patience, and sometimes professional support. But the goal isn’t to remove every stressor. It’s to help your child learn, slowly and safely, that they can survive stress.

You can still be kind. You can still listen. But instead of trying to make the anxiety disappear, try saying something like: “I know this is really hard. And I believe you can handle it.”

That single sentence can be more powerful than a hundred reassurances.

3. High-Achieving Kids Often Struggle the Most

There’s this idea that anxious students are visibly struggling. That their grades drop. That they fall behind. But in practice, many of the most anxious students are the ones at the top of the class.

Counselors will tell you some of the most tightly wound kids are also the most externally successful. Straight-A students. First-chair musicians. Student council leaders. But what parents don’t always see is the cost.

That perfectionism? It’s often a coping mechanism. The kid who checks their homework five times, who can’t sleep the night before a test, who panics over a single wrong answer—they’re not thriving. They’re surviving through control.

And here’s the kicker. Because they’re not “causing problems,” they rarely get help. Teachers praise their discipline. Parents feel reassured by their grades. The anxiety becomes invisible.

School counselors want parents to understand that anxiety isn’t always failure. Sometimes it’s over-functioning. And the sooner it’s acknowledged, the more sustainable that success becomes.

4. Your Response Matters More Than You Think

When a child shows anxiety, especially if it’s been bottled up, it can spill out in unpredictable ways. Tears at breakfast. Meltdowns after school. Refusing to get out of the car. And the hardest part? It’s not always clear what you’re supposed to do.

Counselors often see parents caught between two poles: fix it or shut it down. “What’s wrong? Let’s figure it out.” Or “You need to stop this. Get it together.” Both come from good intentions. Neither usually works.

What does help, according to counselors, is something more basic: calm presence. You don’t have to solve the anxiety. You don’t have to have the perfect words. But if you can regulate yourself, stay grounded even when they aren’t, you’re already helping.

Because kids borrow their emotional cues from the adults around them. If you panic, they panic more. If you shut down, they feel ashamed. But if you say, “I see you’re struggling. I’m here. We’ll get through this together.” You’re modeling the exact regulation you want them to build.

No response is perfect. And you will lose your temper sometimes. That’s human. But your ability to stay connected, even in messy, anxious moments, is what sticks.

5. Schools Want to Help, But They Need You In the Room

This part’s often left unsaid, but it’s true. Schools want to support anxious students. But the system isn’t built to do it alone. Most counselors have hundreds of students. Teachers are managing dozens of needs every hour. And anxiety, especially when it hides behind good grades or quiet behavior, can go undetected unless a parent speaks up.

What counselors wish parents knew is this: they need your voice. Not just to report problems, but to partner in solutions.

If your child is struggling to come to school, tell them. If they’re breaking down over math homework every night, share that. If they’re asking to stay in the car until the bell rings because they’re overwhelmed, let the staff know.

And when schools offer resources like 504 plans, small group sessions, or referrals for therapy, listen. You don’t have to accept every option. But know that many schools are trying. They’re doing what they can in a stretched system. And when parents come in with openness rather than blame, the help gets better.

Because here’s what every counselor knows: when schools and parents communicate early, even small adjustments can make a big difference.

Common Signs of Anxiety by Age Group

Helpful vs. Unhelpful Responses to Student Anxiety

Final Thought

Anxiety is part of being human. And for many kids, it shows up not as a single crisis, but as a long, subtle companion. It makes school feel harder. It makes growing up more exhausting. And it often makes parents feel like they’re constantly guessing at what to do next.

But here’s the truth I’ve heard again and again from counselors who’ve walked hundreds of students through it: your child doesn’t need perfection. They need patience. They need connection. And they need one adult, just one, who sees their struggle not as a problem to fix, but as a signal to understand.

You don’t have to get it right every time. But if you’re showing up, listening, and learning with them, you’re already doing more than enough.