We all want our children to feel loved. To feel seen. To grow up with a sturdy sense of self-worth, rooted in the belief that they are valuable and capable.
But here’s where things can get messy: in our effort to boost their self-esteem, we sometimes drown them in praise without offering the structure, feedback, or support they actually need to grow. And when that happens, something subtle but significant begins to shift inside them.
The child seems cheerful. Polite. Maybe even confident on the surface. But underneath, you might notice cracks forming: defensiveness when challenged, fear of failure, confusion when faced with real-world expectations.
That’s the paradox of over-praise and under-teaching. It feels like encouragement. It looks like positivity. But without balance, it creates a fragile kind of confidence that shatters under pressure instead of rising to meet it.
Let’s explore five behaviors that can signal this imbalance. Not to judge or blame, but to notice. Because awareness is the first step toward offering kids what they really need: praise that fosters growth, not just feelings. I added some pro tips at the end of each section to simplify the process for you.
1. They seek constant reassurance instead of taking initiative
At first glance, it looks like politeness. “Is this okay?” “Did I do it right?” “Do you like it?” They might pause after every small task, waiting for your nod of approval.
But what’s happening under the surface is a little different: the child isn’t developing an internal sense of competence. Instead, they’re outsourcing it.
When kids are frequently praised with comments like “You’re amazing!” or “That’s perfect!” without being taught how or why something works, they may start to rely on external validation to measure success. They stop asking themselves, Does this make sense to me? and start asking, Will someone else approve of this?
It’s not a flaw in the child. It’s a signal. A clue that they may be craving more guidance, more feedback, and more chances to practice confidence rather than just receive it.
Try instead: Encourage self-evaluation. Ask, “How do you feel about what you did?” or “What part felt tricky, and how did you figure it out?” This helps kids build an inner compass, not just chase gold stars.
2. They avoid hard tasks or give up quickly
There’s a moment many parents recognize: the moment a child refuses to try something that seems even a little difficult. “I can’t do it.” “This is too hard.” Or simply: “I don’t want to.”
Sometimes this gets labeled as laziness. But more often, it’s about self-protection.
Kids who are often praised for being “naturally smart” or “so talented” may start to fear challenges because struggle now feels like a threat to their identity. If success is always framed as ease, then difficulty feels like failure. And they’d rather avoid it than risk being seen as less than perfect.
Carol Dweck’s research on mindset makes this crystal clear. Kids praised for effort—“You worked hard on that”—persist longer and try harder tasks. But kids praised for innate traits—“You’re so smart”—often retreat when the going gets tough. They tie their worth to results, not process.
What to do: Normalize effort. Use language like, “This kind of puzzle takes time,” or “Mistakes mean your brain is learning.” Show them that growth comes through struggle, not around it.
3. They confuse praise with love
This one is hard to spot. But deeply important.
When a child constantly performs for attention—bringing you every drawing, looking for applause for every routine action—it can be a sign they’ve learned to equate praise with emotional security.
Of course, it feels good to be celebrated. But if a child has absorbed the message that praise is proof of being loved, they may start to bend themselves into whatever version earns the most approval. Over time, this can make them hyper-aware of adult reactions and uncertain of their value when applause isn’t offered.
The long-term danger? People-pleasing. Emotional dependency. A shaky sense of identity that’s shaped more by performance than self-awareness.
Offer this instead: Separate praise from love. Say, “I love being with you no matter what,” or “I’m proud of you because of who you are, not just what you do.” Let affection be constant, not conditional on achievement.
4. They don’t know how to handle constructive feedback
If even gentle correction sparks tears, tantrums, or withdrawal, it’s not just sensitivity. It might be the symptom of a child who’s been praised, but rarely coached.
In an environment where everything is “amazing” or “perfect,” feedback can feel like rejection. The child may not have had chances to hear things like, “Here’s something you could try differently,” or “You did well on this part. Let’s work on the next step.”
Without that experience, even kind critique feels like a shock to the system. And instead of building resilience, they build defense mechanisms—minimizing, blaming, or quitting.
What helps: Introduce feedback early, gently, and often. Make it part of the rhythm. Say, “We’re always learning new ways to grow,” or “Let’s see what we can add to make this even stronger.” Make revision feel like a normal, even exciting, part of learning rather than a punishment.
5. They perform better under praise, but freeze when alone
You notice it when they’re working independently: hesitation. Confusion. Maybe they stare at the page, unsure where to start.
Then you walk over and say, “Wow, you’ve got this!” and suddenly, they start. A spark returns. It seems like magic. But what it reveals is this: their performance is fueled more by attention than by understanding.
This is tricky because it looks like responsiveness. But it can also mean they haven’t been taught how to internalize strategies—how to break things down, self-direct, or troubleshoot.
They rely on praise as a motivator. Without it, they’re not sure what to do.
What to teach: Break tasks into steps and talk through how to think, not just what to do. Say things like, “What’s the first thing we notice?” or “What’s another way to try this?” Slowly transfer ownership, building habits they can take with them even when you’re not in the room.
Wrapping Up…
Let’s be clear—praise isn’t bad. Kids need encouragement. They need warmth. They need to feel seen and celebrated.
But when praise becomes the only response, when it overshadows instruction, oversimplifies effort, or replaces real feedback, that’s when it quietly starts doing more harm than good.
The goal is not to stop praising. It’s to praise wisely.
Focus on the process, not just the outcome.
Highlight growth, not perfection.
Celebrate curiosity, effort, revision, courage.
And most of all, make sure they’re being taught, not just applauded.
Because the world your child will grow into won’t always clap for them. But if we raise them with tools, reflection, and self-trust, they’ll carry something better than praise: real capability.
And that? That’s what confidence is made of.
